Words from a reformed Hater:
I was not one of the “pretty girls” growing up. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am a person who covers my insecurities with humor or rebellion. So, since I wasn’t “pretty,” I made a point to go out of my way to be exactly the opposite of what “pretty” was supposed to be. Some of you may recall Lisa as a teenager… pink, blue, purple, and/or green hair; plaid pants with striped t-shirts; ears pierced from top to bottom… my own personal protest against what I felt like the world was telling me I was supposed to be…something I just…well…wasn’t. I, of course, rebelled in many other ways as well, but my mom is going to be reading this and I’ve put the poor woman through enough. As I grew older, nature assisted me in fitting the mold a little better…but I found my resentment growing. It was in my college years, I believe, that I became a full blown hater. And I was good at it. I could hang with the best of them… show me a “pretty” girl and I could rip her apart in seconds and have you rolling on the floor laughing your ass off. I could find a fault in a woman like nobody else…the ”prettier” they were, the harder they fell. I’m ashamed to say that this carried on into my adult life too. They say that the first step in solving a problem is to admit that you have one, but there was nobody in the world that would be able to convince me I was a hater. Some of you reading this might still be in this place. I have no right to judge you. I’ve been there. Here are just a few warning signs:
You do not have any “pretty” friends…or if you do, you hate to go out with them because they get hit on all the time…to which you respond by getting upset at them for not participating in “girl time.”
You find yourself so very annoyed by the smart chick at work who always has to put in her two cents…with her no-style, and no-man having ass…
Whenever anyone comments that another woman is beautiful, you quickly respond with one of the following statements: “Well if I didn’t have a job and could work out all day long, I would look like that too,” or “I’m sure she’s not that pretty under all that makeup,” or “yea, but she’s probably an idiot/slut/bitch,” etc.
You hate Beyonce and think she has no talent.
If you can relate, don’t be ashamed…its not your fault. We live in a society that almost forces us to feel this way. We are all very well aware of what we are supposed to look like and what we are supposed to act like…the thing is, having that jammed down our throat every damn second is exactly what makes us hate eachother. It is difficult for us “not-so-pretty” girls to have any sympathy at all for the “pretty” girls…but guess what…the “pretty” girls never fit the mold either. As women, we are the only people who really understand what it feels like to be us…to feel like we have to be this perfect woman who is beautiful, in shape, smart, witty, spiritual, maternal, and a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. ALL OF US feel this pressure.
Now, I’m going to pause for a second because I know that, inevitably, someone will comment that men are under an extreme amount of pressure too. You’re right…but guess what…we’re not talking about your asses right now…is that okay?!?! We are talking about what it feels like to be a WOMAN… and we are having a conversation about being women that has nothing to do with men…for once.
Now, I personally feel like I want to vomit every time some commercial makes me think for a moment that I LIKE vacuuming, cleaning, and doing laundry. I also HATE the fact that there was a long period in my life where I could not appreciate the beauty and success of another woman because I was too busy hating on her…but it happened…and I am officially over it.
Wouldn’t it be nice if all of us women could truly support and appreciate ourselves and each other, instead of focusing on our flaws. We could learn so much from each other. Maybe we could even learn to trust each other. Maybe we could also learn to be honest with each other, instead of pretending to be something we are not…even to ourselves. There is something amazing about a woman who is beautiful. There is something beautiful about a woman who is amazing. All of us have wonderful things to offer our friends, families, and communities…some of us are artists, some of us are works of art. I have met women who exude beauty in their kindness, humbleness, confidence, humor, honesty, in their ability to love, listen, and to heal with their words. I know women who are wise. I know women who are fierce. I know women who are astounding and selfless mothers and wives. I know women who have no idea how beautiful they are. I know women who have stayed true to their character, their history, their families, and their soul through incredible trials. I imagine that I could find something beautiful in almost every woman I actually take the time to get to know.
I have never written a blog in my life but I was inspired by the following quote from a book I am reading:
“Women are sometimes discussed as though only a certain temperament, only a certain restrained appetite, is acceptable. And too often added to that is an attribution of moral goodness or badness according to whether a woman’s size, height, gait, and shape conform to a singular or exclusionary ideal. When women are relegated to moods, mannerisms, and contours that conform to a single ideal of beauty and behavior, they are captured in both body and soul, and are no longer free.”
Let’s enjoy and appreciate the true beauty of what it is to be a woman…in all aspects of womanhood. We are the only ones who really understand what it feels like to be a woman, and what we all are going through (both struggles and triumphs).Let’s stop lying to each other about the struggles we face in our careers, relationships, and the personal battles within our soul…and most of all, let’s stop judging each other for those struggles which we all face. We can’t change society, but we CAN change ourselves, and we CAN make it easier on all of us by truly and sincerely supporting each other. I call an end to all hating, are you up for the challenge?
Always, in all ways,
Lisa
